HOW TO HEAL FROM PET LOSS

If you love your pets and have them for many years, you will probably experience and perhaps have already experienced grief from the loss of a pet.  It can be even more painful when you have to make the decision to euthanize your pet, even if you know that it was necessary to save them pain.

First, it helps to recognize when you are going through grief due to pet loss, so let’s revisit the stages of grief which are denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.  Grief doesn’t happen in that exact order or in a straight line.  You may get stuck in one stage or you may go through two or three stages at a time, or circle back to a stage that you thought you had already gone through. 

Several years ago, I lost one of our rescue dogs, named Rosie, who escaped from the car while I was loading it up with dog food.  I searched for her for days, posted pictures and posted on social media to find her.  Unfortunately, someone did see her finally, but it was because she had been hit by a car.  I was able to retrieve her body and bury her, but now my grief was compounded by tremendous guilt believing her death was my fault.  It wasn’t until I could accept that it was an accident and I would never have wanted Rosie to be hurt that I was able to move forward to grieve her.  If you make the decision to euthanize your pet due to illness or other reasons, it may also layer guilt into the emotions you are feeling which can cause you to become stuck in anger, often anger with yourself.

So how do we grieve our pets and get to the point of acceptance and healing?  It may seem simple, but we grieve them in similar ways that we grieve the people in our lives.  Here are some suggestions to help you through the process:

1.     Feel Your Pain. Let yourself feel the pain and cry as much as you need to and do not let anyone downplay your feelings “because it’s just a dog”  or “just a cat”, etc.  Don’t be ashamed or embarrassed to cry.  If it helps, close your bedroom door, climb into bed and let it out.

2.     Express Your Anger.  If you are angry, figure out who you are angry with, is it yourself, is it someone else involved in your loss or perhaps it’s even God you are angry with for letting something happen to your pet.  I had a time of anger with God for not helping me find Rosie before she was hit by a car.  After I expressed it and worked through it, I was able to go back and ask for forgiveness for my anger, but truly, God understands and people in your life should also understand.  Just be sure to find forgiveness for yourself and for others to be able to move forward and heal.

3.     Give Yourself time to Wallow.  Yes, it’s okay to wallow. Allow yourself time to sleep on the sofa, under a blanket, watch old movies, eat nothing or eat whatever junk you want and tell everyone to leave you alone.  Chances are that your grief will make you depressed and want to sleep more than normal anyhow.  The time you allow yourself depends on you, but I recommend you tell yourself you have one day or two days and set a limit if you can to make yourself move forward.  Always put a time limit on your pity party.

4.     Let go of Your Guilt.  If you made the decision to euthanize your pet, remember that you made the best choice you could at the time.  You may want to worry that it was too soon or too late and that is normal, but we all do the best we can to choose between letting our pet go or possibly letting them suffer too long.  Forgive yourself and let it go.  I made a mistake that let my dog get loose and get killed by a car, and yes, I’m more cautious and have learned from it, but in the end, it was a tragic accident.

5.     Tell Someone or Everyone about Your Loss.  Let your friends and family know about your loss and let them give you comfort.  Do not worry that some people will not understand that you are so affected by the loss of your pet and treasure other pet owners who understand completely and support you.  Post pictures and share your loss on social media.  All the pet lovers with be there for you.

6.     Cherish Your memories and Honor your Pet.  This goes along with ‘tell everyone about it’ and you can do both at the same time.  Post pictures, videos and write a tribute to your pet and share it on social media.  Create a memorial in your home with pictures, paw prints and other treasures from your life with your pet.  I have even had a memorial service for one of my pets.  I wrote an obituary for him, had pictures of him and his tumor on display and I invited other pet lovers to his service.  They were allowed to bring their dogs and we had food and drinks and lots of great conversation and sympathy along with a big dose of chaos.

My favorite gift to give someone who is grieving the loss of their pet is a wind chime with the pet's name engraved on it with a note that says something like "when the winds is blowing and you hear your chimes, may you think of _______ (pet name) with love and happy memories.

7.     Repeat.  Some people feel that the grief is too much and decide not to adopt another pet.  While I understand their pain, because I work in animal rescue, I have been through pet loss many times over the years.  I find the best way to keep taking in more pets is to remember that there are so many more pets out there that need a loving home.  It also helps to think about each pet that you adopt can bring you new joy and it really is worth the loss to experience the joy they bring to you.  The only warning I have about adopting a new pet is to be sure to give yourself time to grieve and heal and be ready for a new pet before even thinking about adopting a new pet.  I usually recommend about 3 months before looking for a new pet.  My last caveat on that is also to warn you not to expect your new adopted pet to behave like your lost pet.  Don’t put those expectations on your new pet because they are unique.